The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
sarcasm needs its own font
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The Olympian is in my bed
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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