Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
