Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
