i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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