i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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