I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
