I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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