Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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