The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
PANTIES FOUND
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