Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
