I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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