apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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