Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
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Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
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i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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