Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
