my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
