Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
