Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
