All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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