Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
