I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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