your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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