I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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