I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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