sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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