i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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