Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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