remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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