he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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