We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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