Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
