my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Rumble strips road head = magical
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
