Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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