Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
