You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
