I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
