She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
