life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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