Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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