If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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