so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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