i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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