Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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