it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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