i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
