your parents love me but you hate me
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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