I think my vagina is haunted
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
