i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
