mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
