So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
