please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
