You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
