I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
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gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.