I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.