Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
