I want to make a zoo with you.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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