the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
