Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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