Got a toothbrush?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
