ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
