Umm I'm too high to move.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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