She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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