1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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